From Breakup to Breakthrough. How Leanne Kanzler Found Her True Calling
Leanne Kanzler – Divorce Coach & Psychologist, LeanneKanzler.com
FM—Please tell us a little about your background, Leanne. When and how did your innate ability to be truly connected to your Feminessence® manifest itself, so you could begin to live your truth?
LK—My whole life I was always shy, quiet, anxious and in the background. I didn’t want to be seen.
Despite this I always had this deep knowing that I was meant to be doing something bigger, but it took me a very long time to get on that path.
I first married when I was 20.
I soon found myself becoming more invisible. I quit university so we could get a mortgage. I changed my style of dressing to please him, the jewelry I wore and the way I did my hair. I stopped going out with my friends. I did what I could to please him because I couldn’t handle the silence that came if he was unhappy.
By the time I was 30, I had become a shell.
My first husband told me repeatedly there was something wrong with me. In my heart I knew the ‘something’ was him. So, I never did anything. Finally though, I went to a psychologist, mostly to shut him up I thought! But that one hour changed my life! I came home and announced I was going back to university to study psychology! His response, ‘That’s not what was supposed to happen’.
That one decision set me on my path to where I am today.
The other moment that really changed me was when I was dating. I was 39 and recently separated. I met a man who was just 33. There was a real connection. I knew it wouldn’t be a long-term relationship, but I knew it was what I needed. I wanted him to show me how to have fun, to feel young again. I wanted to show him how to be loved. But then a few short weeks later he dropped me off at the airport and it was the last time I saw him. He died in a terrible accident. I found out from the death notice in the local paper when I came home.
I was devastated. I realised I had no pictures, no contact with his friends. I had just started using Facebook, so I had no social media connection. But even today, we have a spiritual connection. He helped me find my heart. I literally found a diamond heart pendant when I was dating him. After his death I shut that down completely, but then Grant, my current husband, helped me feel safe enough to open again.
FM—Please tell us a little about why, how and when you started in your business. What was the impetus?
LK—Attending university as a distance education student (before online learning), with two babies and an unsupportive husband was hell! I know I ended up with depression, but I never sought help for it. I didn’t recognise it. I just blamed circumstances. I figured I could at least spend more time with my children, now eight and six (yes, it took me nine years to become fully registered!), and I could work my own hours. I suffered financially when the divorce first happened, but I got through.
In 2009, I finally decided I couldn’t do marriage anymore. I was a mess. I was fantasizing about driving my car into a tree or running away from home—and whether I should take the kids. One of them? Neither? Where do I go? I had all sorts of thoughts. I was having nightmares about my room killing me. I was crying and yelling a lot.
I woke up on my husband’s 40th birthday and knew the decision was made. I planned on telling him in a few days, but as soon as he saw my face, he knew something was wrong. And it was done.
I felt terrified. He told me often I wouldn’t survive without him. Maybe he was right? But I couldn’t survive with him either. I had to take the chance.
And, then the relief came. Then came the dating.
Wow what an eye opener! So many men who were really angry, hurt, rude and just not capable of having a deep discussion. If these guys do not do the work, then they will always remain lonely and resentful and will hurt more women in their path. I couldn’t help my ex-husband—he had always resisted counselling—but maybe I could help others. If I work with men, I can also help the women and their children.
In 2014 I learnt NLP coaching and to love and value myself. This is when the true change happened, and I started coaching others.
This is also when I loved myself enough to manifest my perfect partner, my now husband of nearly three years. He is a very strong man, with strong beliefs, and a beautiful feminine side. If I had still been that anxious pleaser, I would not have been able to handle his energy. He has been a driving force in supporting me in every way to follow my dreams.
FM—How has your feminine side helped in developing your business? Describe how your purpose as a woman has helped make things happen in your career.
I think this goes back to that feeling that I was meant to be doing something more. I always knew the ‘something’ was helping more people. I never gave up on trusting my instincts—the niggle that I was not yet on the right path. I haven’t felt that for a long time now.
I have worked with thousands of people, including couples. People trying to deal with affairs, abuse or divorce. These clients have also been my teachers.
My personal and professional experiences led me to wanting to help people find their own power, connect back to their heart and give them a chance to believe in true love again, as I have done.
FM—When and how did you discover your own innate ability to connect to others’ best feminine self? What exactly is this innate ability? Can you describe it?
LK—Over the past 12 years, I have developed an understanding of the importance of connecting to my heart, listening to that and acting on that.
Previously I had shut that down to protect myself, and so I can recognise when others do this too. By connecting to this wound, asking the right questions and by showing empathy and understanding and no judgment I allow others to see the true value of their feminine.
This applies to men and women. I rarely explain it that way, but this is what it means. To open up your heart is a feminine quality that many men and women struggle with. This is why so many relationships fail—because couples are afraid to open their hearts at the risk of being hurt again.
FM—Do women need to act like men in the business world? What is it about being a woman that gives you advantages, do you think?
LK—I don’t even know how to act like a man, which has been a problem when marketing to men!
What I do is use my femininity to connect with people. This helps them to feel safe with me, to open up about their deepest secrets. I can’t tell you how many people over the years have said, ‘I’ve never told this to anyone’. This is such a gift, to allow someone to really open up and to create a safe place.
I’m not saying men can’t do this, because they can. They can drop into their feminine energy to allow people to open up, too.
Being a woman means I can be vulnerable and open and ask the questions I need to ask without the fear of being judged. I can be me, and sometimes that means I may look ‘weak’ but honestly, I don’t care. If I can’t be vulnerable and open in front of others, then how can I expect others to be open and vulnerable to me?
FM—How does your Feminessence® help others find their true power and purpose?
LK—A relationship breakup can be truly devastating. It can lead to people asking things such as, ‘Why didn’t he love me?’ Or. ‘What is wrong with me?’. Or, ‘Can I ever trust or love again?’
All these are belief systems, and some may find this surprising, but these beliefs often stem from childhood.
Let me give you an example.
A beautiful young lady came to me after leaving an abusive arranged marriage. She asked all these questions and more. She looked at herself and saw ugliness. She thought no one would want her as a young divorcee with a baby.
I was able to help her see the origins of the beliefs, to give her a very deep understanding of who she is as a woman and, most importantly, to reframe these beliefs.
She had an awakening of her true self, and not long after she met an amazing man. Two years later they are still together!
‘Breakup to Breakthrough: Life Reclaimed’ empowers people to discover themself after separation.
Often people will give up on what they want for themselves to please their partner. This leads to a great deal of loss, resentment and anger. These need to be healed in order for those people to be truly happy again.
The ability to understand how this occurred sets us free. When I accepted that I chose to give myself away to keep the marriage, it gave me the power to say, ‘I am worthy enough to not compromise on my own values and beliefs’.
It has taken us our whole lives to get to where we are now, but it won’t take the rest of our lives to unlearn limiting beliefs!
FM—Thank you, Leanne!